I only ever told four people about what had happened. I didn’t use the word rape specifically but I described the event pretty clearly. Two of those people pointed out that what had happened was rape - even if I didn’t say it. One person (my therapist) opted for ‘emotionally coerced acts’ and the fourth person just gave me a hug and said they would be here for me regardless.
I had grown up knowing what rape was; it was nonconsensual sex. I had watched enough US crime shows to see it happened in many ways. It was people being drugged or attacked by someone they didn’t really know, or someone who was physically abusing them. It was violent and it was terrifying, often in dark alleys or trapped in a room in a stranger’s house. It wasn’t your first serious partner in a place you felt safe, telling you that if you really loved them you would do this, otherwise you were lying and weren’t respecting them as your partner.
I, and I think many other people, have an aversion to the word ‘rape’ because of the connotations or presentation of rape in media. If you’ve ever heard a rape alarm you know it’s like a portable fire alarm. It’s loud and obnoxious and instantly recognisable as someone in danger. We rarely see rape as something that happens quietly behind the scenes.
Unfortunately in my case, it was not loud or obvious, but instead, an emotional manipulation that continually coerced me into ‘changing my mind’ or feeling like I had no choice but to say yes. When I finally experienced the form of rape that I was used to seeing on TV I had plenty of reasons to blame myself or to justify their actions. We broke up shortly after as we were moving to different countries for university so I didn’t want to dwell on what they had done to me.
After I had been raped I moved to university and kept in touch with them. They continued to show manipulative behaviour which new friends pointed out to me. Yet it wasn’t until a year later that I realised I had been raped. Seems strange right? Surely after the last time, I would have recognised what they had been doing? But no, I did everything I could to ignore or justify their actions so that it was not their fault, and if it was anyone’s fault it was mine.
A year later, I started having flashbacks and nightmares to being raped. I couldn’t maintain a physical relationship with my new partner without panic attacks or intense anxiety followed by crying. It was then that I spoke to my most straight-talking friend, and shared with him what was going on. He was the first person to tell me that I had been raped, not just once, but repeatedly over the course of that relationship. He suggested I had PTSD because of it.
A study about PTSD in relationships, expected sexual violence to be the largest predictor of PTSD rather than sexual coercion. Instead, it found that women who experienced sexual coercion or violence reported more PTSD symptoms and had higher rates of PTSD than those who had experienced sexual violence.
I don’t say this to undermine the experiences of people who experience sexual violence, but to call for more understanding and discussion around sexual coercion within the discourse around rape and sexual harassment. Within the rape and sexual harassment discussion, there is very little said about the role of emotional manipulation or coerced sex. The line is both grey and blurred when it comes to definitions of consent. If yes signifies consent, does this apply when the person is under duress or under false pretence? It’s hard to argue that it still counts as consent, yet many women (myself included) struggle to realise that. Many definitions, and a focus on ‘yes means yes’, don’t help complex situations where someone feels like yes is the only answer.
When we look to empower rape victims or talk about rape, we need to confront the reality that not all rapists are strangers or abusers, but often close friends or their loving partners. We need to highlight signs of emotional manipulation within relationships and make it clear that yes under duress or after coercion is not consent.
I personally don’t wish to take my experience towards a criminal charge, but just wish I had known that rape exists even in relationships with people that are kind outside of sex.
The study mentioned is Norwood, A., & Murphy, C. (2012). What forms of abuse correlate with PTSD symptoms in partners of men being treated for intimate partner violence? Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(6), 596–604.
I want to thank the writer for submitting such an open and honest piece. The line of consent is one that society blurs and is something that must change. It’s so important that people recognise that sexual assault, sexual coercion and rape goes beyond the dramatised version of it in the media and can stem from other forms of abuse, such as mental manipulation. As a society, we must do our best to protect the victims and listen to their stories whilst giving them reassurance through justice.
f you or someone you know has been affected by this story or sexual assault or rape, please contact the resources in the first image. Together, we can stop victims from suffering in silence.
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