My journey to self-love, overcoming body dysmorphia.
Hi everybody! My name is Bea and I wanted to talk about a topic that I know many of us can relate to. This topic is close to my heart and will be the first time I talk about my self-love journey. Hopefully, everyone can take away something from my experience.
People have mistaken body dysmorphia as someone being a narcissist however, it is more severe than that. It is an anxiety disorder. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is when a person is overly critical of their physical appearance. They compare their looks with other people and believe that their perceived flaw makes them ugly or unacceptable. Body dysmorphia begins at the early stages of adolescence, in the ages between 12 – 13 years old with epidemiology studies reinforcing that BDD being more common than anorexia or schizophrenia.
Here’s my challenge with body dysmorphia.
Growing up, I was always known as the 'chubby girl'; I didn't mind it at all. However, when I turned 16, that's when it all hit rock bottom. I became conscious of my body. I started comparing my physical appearance to the other girls in my year. Social media became a toxic feeder to my body dysmorphia, as I would see all those celebrities perfect hourglass bodies, flat stomachs and wanting to be skinny and so on. I fed off those unattainable ideals, letting them ruin my body image perception. I hated how my body looked, which led to changing my style.
At the time, I only wore loose shirts and oversized jackets to cover up my body as much as I could; I never wore shorts because I hated my huge thighs and wore as much black as I could because it would help with the illusion of making me look 'slimmer'. By trying to hide my 'fatness', I didn't realise that I also lost my confidence.
‘’All these factors fed my inner demon and made me disgusted with how my body looked.’’
Another factor that didn't help was the toxic environment. Where people would shamelessly point out how “fat you are” or say comments like "maybe you should lose a couple of kilos so someone will like you," or "you would look prettier if you were skinnier.". All these factors fed my inner demon and made me disgusted with how my body looked.
2018 was the year I decided to work out, to look the way everyone wanted me to. Eventually, I started going to the gym, and I ate less to the point where I would go a day without having anything apart from a banana and water. As time passed, I saw some results. I went a couple of sizes down, and people started to compliment me for how much weight I had lost. But I was not happy with my results.
In April 2019, my family and I went back home to the Philippines for a holiday. I let go and enjoyed my time being home. I indulged in every possible Filipino cuisine and dessert available. When we came back to the UK, it was a no-brainer that I gained weight.
Again, I was back to my old mindset. Due to this, it came to the stage where I did not eat. I starved myself because I was afraid of the idea that I would gain more weight. I was at my thinnest by June 2019. From 64 kg to 53 kg. Sadly, I did not healthily lose weight. I thought it would make me happy. But I was wrong. Every time someone mentioned my weight loss, my response was, "Really? I thought I gained weight. "My response was a clear indication that body dysmorphia had taken over.
‘’I believe it is human nature that we find it challenging to be kind to ourselves.’’
I forgot how to be grateful to my body, and I deprived it of the fuel that it needed so desperately. I thought starving myself and being skinny would make me satisfied. I believe it is human nature that we find it challenging to be kind to ourselves. Instead, it is easier for us to point out the things we dislike about ourselves. Worst of all, we let the mind bully our body.
Nevertheless, I am happy to say that I have learned a lot from this journey. It taught me to be more kind to my body. I have learnt that I should never restrain myself from eating the food I like. Most importantly, I should never mentally bully myself to please other people. The only person you need to satisfy is yourself. I realised that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes, so comparing ourselves to one another would only do us more harm than good. Lastly, it started my self-love journey.
I must admit that every day is a challenge. Lately, I have started focusing on being healthier rather than skinny. I’ve taught myself balance; I have days where I eat everything I like, but in moderation-ensuring that I work out regularly not to look skinny but to become stronger. Loving myself has given me the strength to silence the negative thoughts and instead focus on my well-being.
If you are going through a similar situation like me, I urge you to seek validation from yourself. Never compare yourself to others. Learn to be cautious of what you comment on others' appearance. Your creator wanted you to be unapologetically you because he wants to show the world your uniqueness.
“Never let your mind bully your body."
Writer:
Rozelle, mostly known as Bea (she/her) is a 21 year old, third year Biomedical Sciences student at University of Kent. Her hobbies include: reading books, going to the gym, photography, and playing the ukulele. Follow her on Instagram: @mrtnzrozelle
Editors Note: Amna Akram
In the current day body dysmorphia is affecting more young people each year, as access to social media is reaching an all time high where unrealistic body types and toxic diet cultures are often put on a pedestal. Bea’s story brings light to this important issue by sharing her own experiences of (BDD) which I know is something that deeply resonates with a lot of us, especially being surrounded by toxic notions of ‘self-care’ growing up. Her main theme throughout the article - "Don’t let your mind bully your body” is a self confidence boost to the brain to not let western standards of beauty determine how you feel about yourself.
The story is a testament of self-love and that having a healthy relationship with your body is not just something that happens overnight, especially if you’ve struggled with self confidence in the past. Everyone’s journey is different and it’s important not to compare yourself to others – and I know its easier said than done!
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