A reflection on lessons learnt from friendships.
Artwork credit: Eliot Guiver
Leaving an unfulfilling romantic relationship is a normalised concept, yet it is not one that’s extended to friendships. Why is it that we hold onto friendships purely because of how long lasting they are, rather than their quality?
I think it’s important to recognise that friendships and relationships require equal selectiveness, these are individuals YOU are choosing to be present in YOUR life. So be picky with it. It's easy to say, yet harder to put into practice when you throw in anxiety, overthinking and simply wishing to spare feelings. As someone who has found it difficult to both make friends and cut them off, this is a reflective piece on things I’ve learnt along the way.
As over said and cliché as it might sound, you need to be comfortable and happy in your own company and skin. The number of friends you have or haven’t got has no bearing on how likeable you are, it really is quality over quantity. It boils down to how you view yourself; you attract the same energy you exude. I’m very aware of how long it can take to propagate self-love, it’s taken me a decade.
I was bullied up until secondary school, and I cannot say that I had any real friends until recently. Instead of seeing bullying as just that, bullying, I started to believe that the problem lay with me; I was unlikeable. Because of that I took friends in whatever form they presented themselves. I learnt that friendship can be bought, people would be nice to me if I did things for them, gave them money or food. I would readily morph into someone else if it meant that I’d have a friendly face in class and at lunch.
As sad a reality as that seems, so many people end up in similar situations with friends that they’re constantly aiming to please and seek approval from. It’s something I’ve taken into adulthood, finding myself locked in a never-ending cycle of feeling stuck with certain people. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you come to the realisation that the people you call friends, do not view you with the same affection.
“Cutting someone off should be a normalised idea, it’s interesting that it’s so villainised.”
As I said earlier, whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship, the same standards apply. Outgrowing an individual doesn’t reflect badly on you, if anything it shows maturity by recognising that a relationship is no longer viable. This is something I’ve struggled with, letting go of people that no longer fit into my life. There are ways to go about it, leaving things amicably.
Firstly, as easy as it is to block and delete someone, it’ll only leave you with unresolved feelings about a situation. Having a conversation that lets them know how they’ve left you feeling works to unburden yourself whilst also paving the way for a potential apology. Whether or not they do so is entirely on them, but at least they’ve been given the opportunity. If you’re anything like me and overthink everything, by doing this you’re in no way to blame for how things play out and cannot obsess over the what ifs. Tackling the problem head-on is difficult, in the long run you’ll be better off for it.
Lastly, a lesson I’ve learnt is that friends tend to find you. Actively looking for friends can leave you investing your time and energy in the wrong people. It's easy to succumb to this idea when you are a university student, there’s this pressure to make and live with lifelong friends. As wonderful as that would be, that isn’t necessarily the case with everyone and that’s okay. There are so many opportunities past university to meet new people, so don’t restrict yourself to finding them all within a very small chapter in your life.
Writer:
Aisha (she/her) is a 23 year old criminology graduate from the University of Kent. She is currently working for a charity which aims to bridge education inequality faced by disadvantaged students.
Editors Note: Amna Akram
This article was a refreshing read, Aisha perfectly captures the essence of what a friendship truly means with its ups and downs along the way. At times it was a gentle reminder that relationships in your life whether they be platonic or romantic, are meant to make you feel happy and not leave you drained, which can often be the experience for many. I feel that Aisha opens up about her past experiences in a delicate way, allowing readers like myself to reflect on previous and present friendships.
As we grow older and transition into adulthood, I’ve noticed that life does become lonely, inevitably with many peers working on their futures. It is something that’s completely normal but at the same time a valid scary. The piece puts you at ease to not worry about the minor details, with the reminder that there are always going to be opportunities to meet new people along the way who are going to bring exciting memories in your life to look back at.
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