With movements such as #MeToo on the rise, awareness of sexual assault and abuse has thankfully risen. However, I feel a certain stereotype around this has also increased. Women are often told to not travel alone particularly at night, to not walk down dark alleys – in fear of a perpetrator lurking in the dark. But what about when the perpetrator is the person you love and trust the most?
“It took me two years to realise what had happened to me."
Lucy Adams BBC research discovered that sexual violence is most often carried out by someone that the victim knows, and this most definitely includes intimate partner relationships. Within the many types of abuse which are a part of domestic violence, women find this aspect the most difficult to talk about.
This is not helped by the fact that until 1986 rape within marriage was not recognised as a crime in England and Wales. As well as this, in 2015 it was noted that 2.6 billion women and girls live in countries where marital rape is not explicitly criminalised according to the United Nations.
The problem with sexual abuse within a relationship is that it can be so difficult to recognise. Many of us can feel in denial or simply not recognise it, because of the strong feelings we hold for the perpetrator. In fact, it took me two years to realise what had happened to me.
During my first year of university, I was not having the best time to say the least. My dad’s cancer was becoming increasingly worse, and this took a toll on my academic life – I was very close to failing my first year. Aside from my friends, the one thing that brought me light at that point of my life was my boyfriend.
We had been together for around two months, and despite this short time, I was convinced I was in love. Looking back, I think this was because I relied so much on him for my happiness. Seeing him every day was what kept me going. He still lived with his parents, so he would often visit me at my university accommodation. I’m sure that you can imagine we spent a lot of time Netflix and chilling. Despite it only having been around 2 months, maybe less, we’d never had any problems. We had never argued and neither me nor anyone who knew us could see any ‘red flags’.
On one particular day, as he usually did, he came to visit me in the afternoon after classes. After watching something for a little bit, we began to get intimate. He lay me down and began to finger me. I was fine with this, but the feeling soon became very overwhelming, so I asked him if he could stop for a second and then we could resume.
Instead, he carried on. I asked him again and told him to stop. He carried on still, and told me, ‘you like it really’. I was getting more and more overwhelmed to the point it was uncomfortable, and I kept asking him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He just laughed. It got to the point that I was so uncomfortable that I started crying. Only then did he stop and take me seriously.
As I cried, he embraced me and laughed. I hugged him back and laughed too. I thought I was being silly, I thought he had misunderstood and not realised I was being serious. He never apologised to me, and we never spoke of it again. Ultimately, the relationship ended not long after because he cheated on me.
Two years later, whilst discussing Sarah Everard’s tragedy with a friend, we came onto the topic of sexual assault. This is when I realised that what happened to me was not okay. In fact, it was more than just a realisation as I hadn’t even remembered the incident being an incident. This is evidently due to the trauma I experienced. Trauma can cause a victim to repress memories and details, it’s a common response.
“It also breaks my heart that the few friends I have opened up to about this have also had similar experiences.”
Despite this, I felt stupid for not realising it sooner, but I quickly took this thought back. How could I have known? He was someone I held strong feelings for, and at the time I thought he felt the same. It was so easy to dismiss it because I never thought this would happen to me with someone that I ‘loved’.
Of course, I’m not the only person who has been through this. According to UN Women UK “women aged 18-24 have been sexually harassed with a further 96% not reporting those situations because of the belief that it would not change anything.”. This isn’t limited to the UK as, according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) One in six American women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime, and most of these assaults will be by someone the victim knows.
It also breaks my heart that the few friends I have opened up to about this have also had similar experiences.
I’m so grateful to have had this opportunity to tell my story and raise awareness on this topic. I feel that it is important to talk about ALL instances of sexual assault, whether you view it as a ‘big’ or ‘small’ incident. Abuse is abuse, and no matter the severity, it can cause lasting trauma and damage.
As previously mentioned on Platform, we need to highlight the fact that abusers can often be close friends or people we love, not just strangers.
Abuse has no place in love, abuse has no place at all.
Editor's note: Amna Akram
In recent years, the internet has given a powerful platform to many for raising awareness on important issues, one of them being sexual assault and abuse. Movements such as #MeToo have allowed women to come forward and share their stories to form a tight knit community.
The writer opens up about their experience and sets the tone with some harrowing statistics - a reminder that the world has still got so much to progress. Domestic abuse within relationships often goes unnoticed and the author expresses more so for the victim. The way that traumatic incidents can hinder memories to protect oneself is eye-opening and makes the reader want to reflect on their journey up until now. Confiding in another person about abuse takes a lot of courage and bravery despite what people will say but know that support is available more than ever.
If you or anyone that you know of has gone through sexual abuse, below are a range of services to get in contact with:
Medical Services:
Sexual assault referral centres (SARCs) offer medical, practical, and emotional support to anyone who has been raped, sexually assaulted, or abused. They have specially trained doctors, nurses, and support workers to care for you. Help is available 24 hours a day.
Voluntary Organisations:
Rape Crisis – https://rapecrisis.org.uk
Women’s Aid – https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Victim Support - https://www.victimsupport.org.uk
The Survivors Trust – https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org, Helpline: 08088 010818
Male Survivors Partnership – https://malesurvivor.co.uk, Helpline: 0808 800 5005
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